Use this activity to banish C-Boulders in your discussions with family members! Select the person you are having a discussion with. While having your discussion, avoid the “Dirty Dozen” in this list. (They are defined in the panel.) As you talk, the person you are having the discussion with will tell YOU when they hear any of the C-Boulders on this list. Check it off, reword what you say, and keep going! Practice makes perfect!
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Cutting humor that insults a person’s ideas, efforts, or intelligence damages a family member’s sense of self and desire to bond. Make a “stop-the-sarcasm” commitment and keep it.
Remarks that mock or put a person down are disrespectful and hinder family bonding. Choose words that build.
Cross or angry voice tones cause people to withdraw emotionally, and we get less cooperation. We control our voice tones and can speak calmly and respectfully if we practice. Always use a soft voice when addressing hard issues.
Yelling, name-calling, insults, or swearing are aggressive and abusive. They render us emotionally unsafe and we lose the love we seek. They have no place in family conversations. Choose to be assertive instead of aggressive.
Hostile, insensitive, or harsh criticism demoralizes instead of builds and rarely gets positive results.
Speaking in absolutes is insulting and usually inaccurate, as there are almost always exceptions. Leave those words out.
Blaming others creates negative feelings and sets people against each other instead of working together. The goal is to fix the problem, not place blame or fight over who is at fault.
Implying you know a person’s thoughts (“You care more about sports than me”) is judgmental. Ask questions to seek understanding and use “LUV-Listening” and “I-Messages” instead of making assertions.
Extra-long comments overwhelm kids and come across as lecturing or nagging. Be brief and to the point, and then ask for feedback–or kids will tune you out.
Refusing to admit or acknowledge a concern when someone brings it up. Denying there is a problem, accusing the other person of a fault to deflect attention from your mistakes, or refusing to see a need for change hinders family bonding. Distorting reality to make you feel like what you’re seeing or feeling isn’t real Listen to, acknowledge your part in the problem, and seek solutions to others’ concerns.
When we feel blamed or misunderstood, we often take offense and our voice tones become defensive, which puts a fence between us and the person we are talking to. If you start to feel defensive, stop yourself. Take a deep breath. Check your tone of voice; and then ask polite questions and use “LUV-Listening” to better understand their view. Or, make assertive “I-Messages” to keep communication going. If things get hostile, take a break and jointly set a time to revisit the issue when you both feel calm.
Bringing up all the old arguments and injuries is a sure-fire way to kill constructive communication. Stick to the issue at hand. If you have hurtful issues that continue to surface because they haven’t been resolved, make an appointment to discuss the troubling issues with the person using the Listening Stick, Safe and Cool Scripts, and Problem solving and Negotiation skills. Then put them to rest.